‘We’re so bad it’s funny’

When football fans become oracles, you know you have a serious problem. With 73 minutes gone in the turgid 1-1 draw with Spurs on Sunday, I turned to my mum: “I’ve seen the script, Tottenham equaliser in the 89th minute, Richarlison winner in the 92nd.” “Richarlison will score”, I added, “It’s just a question of when.”

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I wasn’t entirely right, but my prediction wasn’t far off. Eight Premier League goals shipped after the clock strikes 90, you hardly have to be Nostradamus to work out what’s going to happen next.

The issue all season has been that Liverpool can’t stop stepping on rakes. A campaign soundtracked by circus music with accompanying “whomp, whomp” sound effects after every increasingly baffling mistake made by players who, just nine months ago, were crowned champions.

Which brings me to another problem. Liverpool’s failings this season haven’t been common or garden – they’ve been calamitous, cataclysmic, comedic. Roll up, roll up, come and see the champions’ latest feat of ineptitude.

Failure for Liverpool this season is always skidding uncontrollably into comedy. 2-0 leads evaporating, Keystone Cops defending, and of course, the last-minute goals that have dogged the entire campaign. Winning the first seven games in all competitions through an improbable combination of late goals and luck only gilds the comedic lily.

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“We’re so bad it’s funny.” A phrase all over Anfield on Sunday and reverberating around Liverpool’s social media as unsold tickets appeared hours before kick-off and repeating this morning ahead of the visit of Galatasaray. Anfield isn’t angry this season – how could it be? Events of the summer are never far from our thoughts.

But Anfield needs to be angry. To intimidate the opposition, just as Liverpool were intimidated by the electronically assisted whistles at Rams Park last week. “We shall not be moved.” All Anfield’s most famous nights in my life – Chelsea in 2005, Barca in 2019 – opponents met with a cauldron of disdain.

There will be no acts of defiance perpetrated by the Anfield crowd this season as long as the comedic apathy remains. Liverpool will continue to be the butt of the joke until that changes.

Find more from Lola Katz Roberts on the Goal Difference podcast